Jump to the Bump

I don't know what it is about babies. Everyone seems to be having them. It's like when you are dating, everyone is getting engaged. When you are engaged, everyone is getting married. And when you are married, everyone is having babies. I'm not sure what happens after that....

 I think about babies a lot. All the time actually. More of an abstract, future, kind of baby. Somehow the poop and the screaming are neatly glossed over in my images of rocking a baby to sleep, singing lullabies my mother sang to me....it's so romantic! But even when I think of the pooping, screaming, feverish, needy bundle of joy that is the true image of a baby, I still want it. I like other people's babies. I hold them (though I am always afraid to ask if I can, as if most mother's would mind a rest) and play with them, but that is not enough. It's not my child. And while a baby may be sweet and precious and cute I never want it because it isn't mine. I want my own...

It must be painfully obvious, this obsession of mine. Perhaps because I talk about it so much (that could be a minor contributing factor). My friends have bets about how long I will last without having a baby. The upper limit, they say, is five years. I have always been a bit speedy. I always dated seriously,...with intentions of marriage. Even my crushes were subjected to my checklist of my ideal man (though they never knew). This started early: seven, eight years old. Kevin and I dated for a long two months before we got engaged. We knew we were going to get married. I didn't need time. Now that I am married, the next logical milestone that comes to mind is...well...babies...

I think society may be to blame for my "jump to the bump" mentality. Whenever I played "house" as a child, my marriage to whatever hapless male was available (imaginary or otherwise) was immediately followed by babies. Every girl dreams of meeting prince charming and when he finally appears, she dreams of marrying him. When she does, what else can she dream of but babies? Yes, yes, there is much more to life than babies, but something in the female mind (or society), contradicts that logical statement. I may know there is more to life, but I don't feel that way...

I saw a friend at a wedding recently. The first thing she did was ask me a strange, but very relevant, question: how many pregnancy tests have you taken? It must be a newlywed thing. Either one has a phobia of getting pregnant and is therefore paranoid and worries that they are pregnant, or one is overeager and is constantly hoping or wishing to be pregnant. I answered the question sheepishly: "three..." She laughed. I took that as I sign that I was normal...

It's true, though. Ever since our first month of marriage, every queasy moment, every craving, every mood-swing elicited not, as one would logically suppose, the theory that I had eaten something strange,  was experiencing that time of the month, etc. No, the idea immediately present in my mind was: maybe I'm pregnant. Kevin never had any such ideas, except when I experienced altitude sickness and donated my supper to some handy plastic bags...it was a false alarm. I have even prayed, on occasion–all the while feeling rather foolish– that God would allow an "accident."So far, every belly bump or achy back is merely a result of indigestion or bad posture....

As a woman starting an MA, hoping to pursue a PhD, and wanting a career in academia, this baby craze is all but convenient. It does make me stop and realize, however, that family is incredibly important to me and whenever the time comes, I will be thrilled to death to bring a being into the world that is part Kevin and part me. If there is anything that these past eight months of marital bliss has taught me, it is this: there need to be more Kevins in the world and I know the perfect solution! Just kidding! What I really have learned is that there is a reason God gave Eve to Adam and then commanded them to "be fruitful and multiply." It's the logical conclusion to love: share. Love is creative, overflowing, dynamic. If I may be so bold, I believe that what I am experiencing and desiring is along the same lines as what God experienced when He said "let Us make man in our image." I don't need a baby. God didn't need the human race. But the desire to share love, the desire to create in love, is so intense and pervasive....and I can't wait to experience the joy of seeing the creative handiwork of God, Kevin, and I....