Laundry and Other Controversial Things

Every other Sunday is laundry day. This last Sunday I had to go to work (I don't normally work on Sundays) and asked Kevin if he could start the laundry. Kevin was in the middle of a thought. I must tell you that when he is in the middle of a thought, he may as well be on the moon. His mind is in another world, lost in the vastness of his research. I chose such a moment to communicate our laundry needs, a boring and insignificant item compared to the excitement of research. By the look on his face, I knew that laundry was the LAST thing he wanted to think about. Hoping to make the task less disagreeable I hastily said "I'll fold the laundry if you could just keep it going while I'm gone." I didn't mean it of course, I only said it to be persuasive, though when I said it I would never have admitted that was why I said it. He said he would and I left for work.

I need to add a caveat: Kevin is wonderful around the house. He doesn't like cooking and I love it. I don't like cleaning up after myself, so he does the dishes. It works out great! I don't mind cleaning the bathroom but I hate vacuuming because it makes my hair frizzy, but Kevin doesn't mind it so he vacuums. And usually, when there is laundry to be done, we fold it together.

Back to the story: Kevin kept his promise and when the laundry was finished and piled in a heap on the couch I began to fold it. Kevin noticed, but didn't join me. Instead, he sat down to work on something on his computer. I figured it must be important schoolwork and left him alone, stewing that I was folding the laundry by myself. It turned out that he was working on something else and had taken my earlier statement about folding the laundry seriously. I stewed and folded. And stewed some more. I've never folded clothes so quickly in my life. Or with so much noise: fabric rubbing together; smacking newly folded items on the couch; sighing intermittently. I did six loads of laundry in thirty minutes (maybe I should get upset more often!).

Kevin came and helped me finished folding the socks and immediately sensed that I was giving him the cold shoulder. As we were putting the clothes away he flirted with me and grabbed me to give me a hug and I wriggled my way out of it, offering the excuse that I was trying to get stuff done. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't a big deal, which it wasn't, but I wanted to make a big deal out of it and finally vented my frustration. Kevin explained that he had taken the comment I had made that morning seriously and apologized for not helping me. I apologized for getting upset and we cuddled happily ever after.

I came away from this little controversy thinking about communication and how often I, as a woman, say things I don't mean like "I'm fine" or "I'll take care of it" or "I'll do such-and-such if you do this." There is no need for me to manipulate or persuade Kevin into doing something. He is a responsible, helpful husband who shares an equal part of the responsibility around the apartment. If I ask him to do something, he will do it. My problem is that I want it done my way in my timing (which is usually immediately). The majority of the time, our conflicts are caused because of communication issues. I am slowly learning how to be a better communicator: how to express myself in a timely fashion (i.e. not bottling it up), and how to let something that is unimportant go.

While Kevin is the "I-want-to-hug-you-while-you-vent"type,  I am the "don't-touch-me-while-I-vent" type. This is, in part, also communication issue. Subconsciously I feel that I will lose my clarity of thought if I cuddle or let him hug me. I think I am afraid of being cuddled out of my frustration/anger/etc because I want to make sure I express myself. Our conflicts are generally solved when either Kevin or I express ourselves, apologize as necessary, and then the cuddling can begin in earnest. And let me tell you, post-argument cuddling is the most delicious affection in the world!

I am a firm believer in what Paul says in Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down on your anger." Paul does not deny that will get angry sometimes, but he cautions the reader that the anger must be dealt with. The faster frustrations are communicated in a healthy way, the easier it is to move on and, if necessary, heal from the wrongs done. After all, how important is laundry?